Xismosa Xit

Hello all,

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I’m The Top 🤭

🪶 Quotes Quail

Quotes Quail

I’m always listening 😈 y’all are funny

You know, the funny thing about this section is that is was inspired by the favorite parts of magazines: the quotes sections. And it’s kinda fun that so many of you have said it’s your favorite part too! See if you can find yourself 👀

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• “Ya comiste! Cuatro veces!!” – me to El Vaquero as he tries to eat my new chanclas
• “You already ate! Four times!!”

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• “Como se llama este?” – my mom to my dad about her own family tree but he never knew even though he had met them. He helped with two people out of four pages
• “What’s this person’s name?”

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• “Chaleco de fuerza” – my Nana about El Vaquero’s thunder shirt
• “Vest of force”

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• “Calamari By Your Name” – what someone told her Luca (2021) might as well be called

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• “Do you want a glass of wine?” – my mother because I was so tired and frustrated and stressed from work

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• “I’m going to beat you. I’m going to have one (1) white box” – beaner on packing after he graduates college
• He was comparing what I had to when I graduated. The boy hadn’t even graduated high school yet!
• He did not, in fact, only have one (1) white box

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• “We can fit in the front seat” – thicee #1
• “Our butts are big” – thiccee #2 (me)
• “But our wills are bigger” – thiccee #1

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• “It’d be good to stack people” – my argument for considering buying a mini-van
• “why would they need stacking?” – father, the skeptic
• “Because sometimes they need to be stacked!!” – me perhaps thinking of all the mini-van ubers I have been grateful for

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• “Pollo-tarian” – about her daughter’s eating habits

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• “Brujería on a budget” – me about buying rosemary at Safeway for a burning bundle (don’t buy white sage)
• “La bruja coda” – father
• “the cheap witch”

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• “I would… mostly because he asked me about growing tomatoes” – a friend considering marrying a dude who asked her to get married for the benefits (he’s military)

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• “Roughhousing” – about visiting her husband when they were dating

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• “Yea, I thought so” – Siri on my watch after I said a priest at a funeral was annoying

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• “It’s just middle school girl porn” – my Wife™️ explaining Twilight to her “actual spouse”

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• “Be the talent show you wish to see in the world” – trying to encourage one of us to sing for a talent show

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• “Mom! We said we wouldn’t talk about this at dinner!” – his response to his mother when she was telling the table he gave her a Xanax

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• “Coffee and spite! Tag yourself!” – about our friend not eating before work at Fascinations

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• “Dildo peddler” – their mom about their new job at Fascinations (an Arizona sex shop chain)
• *a fEw mOnThs lAtEr*
• “Dildo czar” – their mom about being promoted to manager at Fascinations!

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• “Cinnabon in fishnets” – about how to make Cinnabon ~sexier~

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• “Dirt nap” – about the beginning of New Moon (2009)

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• “You’re losing brain cells over this” – bestie to me about my rant about our annoying boss

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• “HE GLISTENED” – father about Pita Taufatofau, Tongan flag bearer for the 2021 Olympics

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• “Damn Ariana you look good!” – co-worker about my outfit before I clocked in and into our uniform

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• “Se corre y se va” – me starting to pray the rosary for my grandfather, which is what we typically say when starting lotería. Our Nana laughed and continued laughing days later

• See my piece: Lessons from a Gambling Family

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• “Sassy but assertive conversation style” – girl from trivia about me

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• “I’m kinky because I’m lazy” – she likes being tied up

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• “Protect the curls!!” – co-worker when I had my hair down while leaving work (it was usually in a hairnet)

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• “You can open the door, but the door handle is a cactus” – bestie about opening up to others emotionally

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• “You mess with a bean, you get the whole burrito” – one of the beaner’s friends

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• “You thought you’d seen the last of me!” – bestie when we ran into her at a coffee shop before her cross-country trip

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• “Sometimes it’s better to be confused than to have knowledge” – me about clam tongues at the beach

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• “Dawn of the Fuck It era” – my therapist about me on my 26th birthday
• (It was not actually yet dawn of the Fuck It era, but it was the inkling of the start)

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• “He’s the third tire” – my mom about my brother hanging out with his friend and the friend’s girlfriend

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• “I’m telling you with my mind, but am I LYING with my mind?” – beaner about the results to the Olympic Women’s 100 meter race

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• “That’d be too wild of the lord” – Nicole Byer at the live taping of her and Sasheer Zamata’s podcast Best Friends
• “They’re cute brown girls!” – also Nicole Byer about me and couple of friends volunteering to be another audience member’s friend

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• “Por fin de semana” – my Nana seeing Rafael from Jane the Virgin (2014) for the first time
• “For the weekend”

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• “This has not been a boring game, but it has been a stupid game” – me about USA vs MX for the 2021 CONCACAF Gold Cup
• 0-0 even in overtime

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• “My fiancé is the same age as my daughter’s boyfriend!” – contestant on Sugar Rush (2018) on Netflix
• She was SOOOOO ready to say that unprompted 😭

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• “Tell me you live in a dystopia without telling me you live in a dystopia” – me about someone needing to find a coupon for their asthma medication

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• “Why is it so cool out here?” – cutie
• “Because we’re giving so many cold shoulders to these men” – me on a night out at Fat Tuesdays

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• “It was a school boy error” – contestant on Zumbo’s Just Desserts (2016) about setting oven temperature
• There was also a bad emoji cake my mom couldn’t stop laughing at

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• “Nos rompemos la cabeza” – my Nana to her friends about what she does with my mom
• “we break our heads”
• because puzzles are “rompecabezas”

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• “Euclid and Upper do not rhyme!!” – me to my dad while he was trying to find the opposite of “Debbie Downer”

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• *my father going through the motions to explain how he had to clean the juicer his family had 40 years ago so they could make carrot juice to help their eyes*

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• “We don’t applaud a fish for swimming” – a son to his father for turning 48 years old

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• “I trust physics but I do not trust engineering” – me about rollercoasters only

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• “Congrats! You’re 50.” – our celebration sign for my dad, as modeled off of my little cousin’s “Congrats! You’re 5.” sign

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• “I’m going to buy you a spoon, for stirring the spot” – the dramaaaaaaaaa

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• “First order of business: chocolate fudge cake” – my mom on her birthday

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• “That’ll make your pussy throw up!” – she says about being called “good girl” (in a good way!)
• She was a drink in at Darcelle’s XV Drag Brunch…
• She had not had alcohol in a while…

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• “You look like a bunch of Amber alerts” – Posion Waters about the young queers (alleged twinks) in the front row

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• “I left all my stuff in Surprise at my ex’s mom’s house.” – he left his stuff in Arizona

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• “They’re streaming Infinity War on a calculator!” – about Pollack Theatre in Tempe, AZ

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• “I did flew in a suit” – about flying in his only suit in college to keep it nice

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• “Defiende tu hija!” – my grandmother to my grandfather
• “Defend your daughter!”

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• “I’m not grown enough for that” – about sipping tequila or whiskey straight

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• “I love you… ‘but love is not enough’” – my mom impersonating Lala cuando le hace fiestas/impatiently waiting for food

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• “Shut up he’s an asshole!” – us shouting at the TV for Zumbo’s Just Desserts (2016)

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• “I wouldn’t say ‘let’s play dodge the brick’ AGAIN” – he already has the scar to prove it from when he said it from the first time 20 years ago

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• “That where the fire was” – my mom about a corner of burnt bread

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• “His wife is five years older than his eldest son” – oof

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• “I have to start on the catapult” – my father about shooting his ashes into space
• *A fEw mInUtEs lAtEr*
• “Oh, it might be cost-prohibitive” – critical thinking 🙂‍↕️

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• “He had to make sure he got an angle that didn’t show his bald spot” – me being mean about a man positioning himself for a picture

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• “FUCK YOU his last name is Remington!” – about winning any argument if only he had a different last name

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• “…are you going crazy?” – my co-worker genuinely concerned when he heard that I couldn’t take a shift because I had therapy
• “I am crazy! 😁” – me

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• “Find a skittle. Oh wow! Someone else dropped a skittle!” – about being deployed

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• “We have to be unrealistic to change the world”
• “We can’t build what we can’t imagine”
• “All art either advances or regresses justice”
• ^ all Walidah Imarisha, co-editor of Octavia’s Brood (2015)

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• “You have your own soundtrack” – mom
• “I am my own soundtrack!” – dad

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• “Now I can taste the Sauvignon Blanc! It was the lights!” – when they turned up the lights

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• “I’m a teletubby with a credit card” – talking to high schoolers in youth group who think she’s an adult

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• “It’s a little bit nippy” – beaner
• “Because you put it ON YOUR N I P P L E S” – me about watermelon he took out from the fridge

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• “You know how some people have a to-go bag? Ariana had a to-go apartment!” – my dad about moving me

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• “Instead of ‘crazy people’, they would say ‘alien astronaut theorists’” – my cousin about The History Channel aliens show our grandfather would watch
• You know the one!!

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• “that’s the only reason you brought me here – to follow your instagram” – me during a job interview as a college

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• “I need AT LEAST five toothbrushes” – teenager at a house I was helping to declutter. She wanted one for sleepovers, traveling, every day… I can’t remember the other reasons

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• “Sister by choice, and sister a huevo” – my dad about a woman whose maid of honor was her sister AND sorority sister

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• “THE LAND OF FREEDOOOOOOOM!!!!!!” – my mom when crossing the Colorado River into California

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• “$800 pet deposit, that’s almost $100 per pound of Lala!” – me when looking for apartments for the first time

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• “Lala I got us an apartment!!” – NOT the one with the $800 pet deposit

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• “This is why they’re so expensive!” – my mom about my first attempt at making macarons
• they take forevaaaaaa

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• “Not everyone takes steroids A-ROD!” – my dad during former Yankee Alex Rodriguez’s commentary about lack of contact during the baseball game

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• “Welcome to pseudo adulthood” – me to beaner on his 18th birthday 

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• “Ah! I got frijoles in my beard!” – you guessed it, the beaner! 
• “I never thought I would hear that sentence in my house” – our mother the original cook

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• “It’s your birthday. I was trying to respect you!” – me to Lala when I sit on the other side of the couch than her to give her space and she comes to me anyway 💜

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• “She’s a dog that’s disguised as a dog” – mom about Lala being dressed as Scooby-Doo to match my brother as Shaggy
• “Can’t we just brown-face her” – me, problematic
• “She doesn’t need it. She’s Mexican!” – Shaggy

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• *On FaceTime*
• “Ollie is licking the chicken juice off of the stove” – about her roommate’s cat

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• “Love a late night email from papa pita 😏” – an intern about an email my co-supervisor sent at midnight providing pizza recipe we had talked about at the team meeting the previous day
• The emoji was included
• one day I’ll find the screenshot again ;-;

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• “Men are inconvenient” – me to a friend about dating

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• “I’m quiet for now” – me
• “I don’t think you’re quiet” – we had been working together for about three months
• “Like I said, quiet for nooooow” – me, a threat

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• “Do you have a drivers license?” – my little cousin when I started driving our grandmother’s car

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• *On Facetime*
• “Yea long distance is hard- IT’S MY POTATOES! They’re ready!!” – a friend when her alarm goes off, completely changing the tone

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• “This is the most relaxed I’ve been all week” – while getting a flower tattoo behind her ear

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• “I have to wait for season four, which is also homophobic” – about What We Do In The Shadows (2019) show

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• “I’ll just knit one and attach it” – about a turtle neck she wanted to wear 
• “Do you know how to knit?” – me
• “No.”

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• “You can’t throw ninja stars, but you can throw sawblades from Home Depot” – coach at Ace Axe Throwing

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• “We were sternly held up” – co-worker about traveling for college recruitment during the Hong Kong protests

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• “You look like an elementary school art teacher”
• “Art masterpiece? More like justice no peace”
• “A Marxist Xicana elementary school teacher” – all from the beaner about my new outfit with long fluffy skirt and “No justice No peace” shirt

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• “Let’s get her a cat!” – my dad to cure Lala’s possible loneliness

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• “Let’s go to DC with our bats then!”
• “Or guillotine” – about how it looks like Biden will win but 45 will probably debate the results

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• “…since I’m almost 6 feet” – my dad
• “You are not 6 feet” – my mom and brother simultaneously humbling him

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• “Oh they’re not ready for that” – about my 6-inch heels before a new friend’s party

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• “Tú no más habres la boca Lala sin saber que te va a llegar” – my dad while throwing table food to Lala
• “You just open your mouth Lala without knowing what’s coming to you”

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• “God takes care of babies and fools”

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• “My biggest adventure was… when I told a girl I loved her” – an young woman applicant I was interviewing. I squealed inside!

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• “Hey can you keep a secret?”
• “What am I supposed to say??? No??? Yes I can!!!” – me
• *She sends me pic of an engagement ring on her finger*
• *I fistpumped*

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• “You just had to fight the spiders” – beaner about the previous system for getting cleaning supplies from the garage

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• “You should tattoo your info-session in your inner bottom lip” – beaner trying to find solutions to my bad info-session presentation skills

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• “No offense, but you’d make a great LGBTQ Resource Center, Director one day!” – a supervisor about my and the actual LGBTQ Resource Center Director’s presentation to the office
• Idk why he thought I would find this offensive! Maybe because I was coming off as, uh, very anti-establishment

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• “We’ll get Baileys” – our MOM
• “OKAY WE ALL HEARD IT! THERE ARE WITNESSES!!” – the siblings
• *later*
• “I’m not meant to drink alcohol” – mom with said Baileys while signing Christmas cards

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• “You don’t trust him?” – me
• “With a name like Pedro? No” – father
• “What do you have against Pedros?” – me
• “He denied Christ three times” – brother
• About trusting Pedro Pascal and the rumor that he was leaving The Mandalorian (he didn’t)

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• “You don’t need a poker face if you’re dumb as shit!” – me to beaner who played poker with his friends where he won three times, but didn’t even know what was going on

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• “My tummy hurts, but your mac & cheese was worth it” – the lactose-intolerant sibling (which could be me but is not in this instance)
• I make it with half-and-half 😁

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• “It’s not that hard if you plan it three days in advance” – about carving the turkey

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• “Did you hear a slapping noise, Mom? You’re about to!” – me after my father called out to his wife to accuse me of bullying him

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• “Oh she’s a space alien but not her kid” – about Björk and her daughter visiting the school

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• “We meet again, Stonecipher!” – co-workers about a student’s “villain“ middle name

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• “There’s so much glitter on the floor. It’s like a strip club” – a 17-year-old co-worker sweeping at World Market around the holidays, therefore surrounded by sooooooo many glittery ornaments
• “You’re not even old enough to go to the strip club!” – me

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• “Glitter hides a multitude of sins” – technically unrelated to the above by Briony on The Great Christmas Bake Off

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• “That’ll set the Thames!!” – Paul Hollywood on the Derry Girls episode of The Great Holiday Bake Off about how much gelatin Siobhán McSweeney had put

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• “She hates other cats and so she will piss on everything you love” – about their much-beloved cat

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• “Baby repellent juice” – bestie about the birth control rod in her arm and she’s a nurse so she knows how it works!

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• “She’s part Shih Tzu and part Jack Russell, so she’s a Jack Shit 😁”- customer at World Market about her dog with a cute little face

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• “Visually accosted” – cousin about lights on the plane turning on at the end

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• “I’d have to kill one of them” – about their ring with four gemstones for their family member’s birthstones, and one is shared because two siblings have the same birth month, they wouldn’t have wanted their ring to have five different gemstones
• I know this isn’t the best explanation, but it’s what I got from a few years ago, and I love that it’s a drastic answer

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• “Que venden?” – my grandmother asking about my new job at World Market
• “Chingaderitas” – me
• “What do they sell?”
• “Little stupid shit”

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• “Enemy of the podcast, Alex Allred” – Ian Allred about his brother coming onto the podcast he co-hosts with Lena Conatser The Recovering Gleek
• He usually says “friend of the podcast”

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• “I’ll drink it with you.” – friend about leftover alcohol I was taking from the office holiday party
• “When?” – me
• “Tonight.”

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• “I have whiskey in my bag” – she was making friends at a friend of a friend’s party
• (this is actually where I met one of my besties, at this friend of friend’s party and it was also HER friend of a friend’s party! Oh being blessed with a beautiful friendship started at 2am at an apartment neither of us will ever see again!)

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• “You poop in a box” – my father about aging

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• “I’m not abandoning you, yet!” – me
• “There’s time.” – co-worker as I walk out of the store to my 15 minute break

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• “Be careful up there! Don’t want anything happening to you, unless it’s good!” – an older man seeing me on an 11-ft ladder

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• “I touched J Lo‘s blanket 🤭” – co-worker when J Lo did her Christmas shopping at the store
• (maybe this was for the family members she wasn’t a huge fan of…)

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• “From when I buried- I mean, planted the roses earlier!” – me about dirt I found under my watch

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• “It has STARCH MASKS” – gregnant video that kills me every! time!

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• “I’m coming for you 😈” – me
• “I’ll be waiting 😈”

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• “Show and tell!” – me about co-worker bringing her husband to work

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• “En comer cereal no se ensucia la estufa” – about someone’s, uh, nonexistent cooking skills
• “The stove doesn’t get dirty if you eat cereal”

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• “So Alexa is always listening?” – dad, and Alexa immediately stops playing music 😭

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• “Intimate” – about our Tío’s new car that you can customize the seat to “hug“ you

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• “She hungers for delinquency” – me about Lala only wanting food when she thinks it’s taboo. She won’t eat popcorn on the floor – only after it’s been picked up
• She also hadn’t been feeling well except for “forbidden” table food
• Once time, she had an upset stomach. We made her plain white rice. I put the bowl down. She didn’t want it. She watched me pick the bowl up, where I pretended that she wasn’t ALLOWED to have the food in the bowl but I was going to treat her ANYWAYS according to HER WHIMS but little did SHE know it I was throwing a little but of rice at a time to her FOR HER OWN GOOD!!!!

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• “I don’t care if you win. I just want Kylo Ren to lose” – General Hux in Star Wars IX The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
• “That’s mom with the Steelers!” – and mom didn’t deny!

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• “If you remember me by nothing else, remember me by Outlander” – my cousin about the TV AND book series

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• “What did I do?”
• “You haven’t been pining for his attention all day. I’VE been pining for his attention all day!” – about getting my nephew to love me

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• “Dad took a big ass bite!” – me and my cake pop
• “Así estaba!” – dad ;-;
• “It was like that already!”

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• “Prolific” – brother when I told him I go through a journal per month (December 30, 2022; I was on journal 38 at this point… I’m currently on #73…)

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• “Did you eat a cat?” – me to Lala after her stomach meowed

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THANK YOU for reading! If you want some cheap retail therapy to go along with it, please check out my stickers, especially this one.

Abrazos and/or high fives,

Ariana

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