Xismosa Xit

Hello all,

Today’s “mini” newsletter is sponsored by finding an uncompleted floral “one line a day” journal of daily quotes that I started in 2018! This edition is only these quotes 🤭 Especially if you were one of the first on my email list, you might recognize yourself in here 👀

“I daydream of the next newsletter” – a text I received in 2022 💜💜💜

Quotes Quail

I’m always listening 😈 y’all are funny

You know, the funny thing about this section is that is was inspired by the favorite parts of magazines: the quotes sections. And it’s kinda fun that so many of you have said it’s your favorite part too! See if you can find yourself 👀

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• “Gotta impress the French-fry-pocket-people” – my bestie about Lala responding to my snaps well

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• “We are a powerful and introspective group of women” – one of my friends from college about our group that graduated together

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• “I’m not going to get offended because I’m so impressed of myself as a person” – coworker
• “Get offended” – me (I can’t even remember how I was trying to offend him)

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• “2th” – in an email
• “SECONTH??!!!!” – me, reading said email my cousin received from A USC PROFESSOR

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• “Big Clit Energy” – me at a party in 2019

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• “He plotted!!” – me when El Vaqueo randomly barked, thus waking up Lala and she got up off her pillow, and then HE sat there
• “I don’t think he’s that smart” – HIS MOTHER!!!

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• “Don’t buy drugs, become a rockstar and they’ll give them to you for free” – my coworker in the middle of our project. Possibly related to the fact that he had only slept 2.5 hours. He kept making “cricket feet” noises as well.

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• “Les cobro barato” – my Nana about selling drugs when she shows up in Vegas with lots of cash
• “I charge them cheap”
• Legally and literally, this is a joke

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• “Can you get pregnant from a preview?” – friend when we watched the Spider-Man Far From Home (2019) trailer with Jake Gyllenhaal as Mysterio in it

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• One time my mom called me laughing her ass off because my dad and brother were arguing over commas and semicolons

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• “The last one was Jolly Rancher, and this one is giving me Fruit-by-the-Foot” – my cousin about our shared Truly flight

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• “What are you doing?” – me
• “Being a nuisance.” – former coworker walking around at the end of the shift
• “A menace!” – me

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• “My stomach hurts. How many sets?”
• “Girl you know when my stomach hurt?” – coach
• “How many sets?”
• “When I gave BIRTH!” – coach

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• “I was trying to get to the goddamn church!” – one of my favorite Episcopalians

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• “I can’t hang out with old Episcopalians, they don’t teach me nothing!” – the same Episcopalian after my rant on intersectional feminism

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• “Lesbian kickball team” – my friend, a gay man, about his kickball team: the Queerios

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• “Mañana voy hacer pollo para los perritos” – my mother, then new dog mom of two
• Let me tell YOU, this is not a place ANY of us thought our mom would get to
• “Tomorrow I’m going to make chicken for the little dogs“
  

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• “Enjoy your weeping time” – a coworker to me, getting off of a work call we were going to start back up after lunch, when we were both having very difficult personal days

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• “Es atace politico” – my grandfather when my grandmother started talking about his up-and-down sleeping habits
• “This is a political attack”
  

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• “Me quiero morir.” – my grandfather, turning to my father at the table
• “Tata, estamos comiendo” – me
• We were, indeed, eating out.
• “I want to die.”
• “Tata, we’re eating.”

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• “I’m slutty, friend-wise” – about having more friends than her partner

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• “Tú qué vas a hacer? Te van a comer!”- me to El Vaquero, passing a barking German Shepherd and he barked back
• “What you gonna do? They’re gonna eat you!”
  

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• “Al POST-or!” – my cousin about the taco truck next to the post office (a pun on “al pastor” tacos)

• “If you’re not your father‘s child…” – me, remembering the one time they asked my Tio if he wanted duck for dinner and he said “No. Duck is foul.” (Foul, fowl, haha, get it?)

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• “cafe y pelicula” – father
• “cafelicula!” – brother about a business idea

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• “It’s your souvenir!” – mom to my brother and cuñada (sister-in law), trying to give them a Guisados business card
• “We got rocks!” – my brother, about the rocks they got at the beach

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• “He looked cool! It’s the Lambourguini of strollers!” – my cousin, awaiting the arrival of his first child, about the stroller he wanted that he saw on an influencer’s instagram.
• As in: the influencer influenced.

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• “Here comes the queen! We’re blessed to have you!” – nurse commenting on my shirt that said “Queen” on it
• “I’M blessed to see YOU” – me back to her because she was administering my first COVID-19 vaccine
• Yes, I sobbed afterwards
• March 14th, 2021

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• “You’ll never be ready! Merge!” – Onward (2020), because you will truly never be ready to merge onto a freeway for the first time

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• “Not all heroes wear capes: some wear floral dresses.” – a coworker when I offered to do her infosession for her
• (Yea, I’ve been wearing floral dresses. It’s my personal uniform but better than Steve Jobs/anyone in Silicon Valley)

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• “What are you drinking?” – coworker #1, drinking alcohol at our celebration
• “Apple cider.” – coworker #2
• “Is that because it’s more vegan?” – coworker #1
• uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh
• Am I missing something???
• Is alcohol not vegan????????!!!!!

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• “Baby!” – me seeing the screen with a dragon-type Pokémon
• “Baby has to die” – the murderer playing the video game

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• “You’re the bread and butter of drink and dressings! I’m just the breadcrumbs.” – a former boss when I first started at SG

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• “She wants to learn ukulele” – me about a loved one
• “She can learn lots of things, like quantum mechanics!” – my father

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• “Estamos estudiando la biblia aqui.” – my Nana as her and I work on $100 worth of lottery scratchers at the kitchen table
• “We’re studying the Bible here”

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• “You are pathetic” – the dog mom of two, to Lala when she wanted attention after El Vaquero got attention

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• “We get to keep you??” – new coworker, hearing that I’m supposed to be at that SG store instead of the one I was training at

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• “This is very punk of you and I support you 100%” – friend when I quit my first adult job with no back-up plan

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• “Apenas es la semana santa!” – my grandmother justifying buying lottery scratchers when she had said she wouldn’t during Holy Week. It was Monday 😂
• “It’s barely Holy Week!”

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• “You could take a shot out of that!” – about a scrapped clean jalapeño with the top cut off

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• “SHE! SAVED! AMERICA!” – me
• “She did” – a supporter (my mother), about Dolly Parton when my father had THE AUDACITY to complain about Jolene
• (See: she donated a lot of money to COVID-19 research)

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• “How does this shit fit here?” – beaner learning to thread a needle for the first time (we were making making face masks for my dad to leave the house to the grocery store)
• April 5, 2020

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• “He’s a little dumb but he knows” – me about El Vaquero since he behaves when I say “tu ya sabes!”
• “You already know!”
• I always say, he’s my favorite himbo (example below)

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• “Como te llamas?” (“What’s your name?”)
• “No-yeye” – Yeye, her actual name, because she was also getting in trouble!

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• “TASTELESS” – my brother watching Say Yes To The Dress with me about black and white stripped dress that bride loved

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• “Those are the prettiest cuts I’ve seen” – coworker about how I cut romaine lettuce
• What can I say? It’s the gifted kid syndrome in me

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• “omg you had to date the middle-school-chicken-sandwich of men to figure out you were a lesbian” – friend to their sister
• IF YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED CONTEXT: the speaker had to eat a middle school chicken sandwich to figure out they were vegetarian

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• “You know what honey? When is nap time for you?” – mother to father
• “Tell me you’re sleep deprived without telling me you’re sleep deprived” – me, when that meme was still fresh and new
• He had gone to bed at 5am and had a meeting at 7am 🙃

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• “What kind of magician are you?” – coworker about my trick to get out two (2) gallons worth of mayonnaise out of a tub cleanly

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• “Oh shit, you’re raw-dogging life my dude” – about taking a break from a*****l and w**d

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• *HONK* – beaner with his saxophone that he hadn’t touched in (generously) months, unannounced in my room, trying to prank me after I sprayed water in his general direction but I was already across the house!
• like an unwarranted goose

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• “No pollitos for you guys!” – mother to father who wanted to buy chicks that were being sold for a buck ($1) each at the hardware store

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• “I wasn’t sure if it was mental illness or some nirvana shit” – girl at the next table over about a date 💀

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• “I just saw the multiverse” – he tried on my glasses ;-;
• (I can count the people I’ve met with worse eyesight than mine with one hand, maybe two)

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• “Why did you tell me that?”
• “Because I thought it so you had to hear it!”
• ~ and they were besties ~

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• “You must knock out huh?” – my brother with my nice pillow with satin pillowcase, my giant double body pillow, the softest “bunny” blanket, my weighted blanket, melatonin and podcasts, and Lala cuddling in the middle
• “NO! THAT’S THE PROBLEM!!” – me

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• My mom almost peed laughing because this is what my dad does:

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• “We’re pre-gaming Chili’s” – brother about plans with roommates and their first outing together in 2021

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• “Sexy recipe book” – father about Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel
  • FANTASTIC book, I re-read it every couple of years
  • the yeeeaaaarniiiiiing

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• “You were not a disappointment!” – me and my mom to El Vaquero when he didn’t bark at the airport picking me up

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• “Portase bien, y si se portan mal, me invitan!” – my Nana on our call
• “Behave yourself, and if you don’t, invite me!”

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• “Bye!” – social little boy
• “BYE!”- everyone in the store responding

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• “I’m not so white that mangos are spicy” – a friend eating something spicy and with mango but it also had actually spice on it as well

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• “The brain cell has been compromised” – brother about Sokka high on cactus juice in Avatar The Last Airbender

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• “Do you ever forget who you are?” – former coworker about cutting sweet potatoes quickly

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• “He’s the best one. I have no bias, but he also makes me deeply uncomfortable” – brother about Bow from She-Ra And The Princesses of Power because they look eerily alike

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• “I always have back-up penises” – cutie #1
• “I miss penises” – cutie #2
• This is, indeed, in the middle of a Scorpion Bowl at Hong Kong Restaurant in Harvard Square

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• “It’s really hard being the hottest bitches in STEM” – while she was getting her PhD in bio!

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• “My boobs are sponges” – about her swimsuit

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• “Fresh eggs! We could TOUCH the chicken!” – me reading a sign on a highway in Maine
• “We could pull the egg out of the chicken!!” – the one who stole my brain cell

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• “My stomach is in chaos” – me because I had had two (2) alcoholic coffee drinks AND started a flight of kombucha
• Which Portland was this in? 👀

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• “It’s for my dad” – growing her hair long. Her father just so happens to be balding 😅

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• “He was in the making” – a father about his son not yet being born when Matrix (1999) came out

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• “My mom said ‘mijo’, I turned around, she was talking to the dog!”
• “The mijo goes to whoever doesn’t leave”
• the mijo in question:

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• “WE DID IT!!!” – yelled in the middle of GRADUATING COLLEGE

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• “Tell me if this is too women’s college” – me to three separate historically-women’s-college alumni about my birthday plans. The plans in question will not be disclosed, but if you went to a HWC you can probably guess…

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• “Y sabes que?”
• “No!”
• “And you know what?”
• “No!”

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• “The moon is my wife” – me
• “But what will you do when it crashes into Earth and turns into millions of pieces that form a ring around earth?” – cutie patootie
• Me, with arms outstretched: “Wives!”
• “I like the way you think” – cutie patootie

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• Me, 2020: yelling and ranting to my brother about people swimming in the pool at my high school and then wearing masks afterward
• LIKE WHAT’S THE FUCKIN POINT
• Anyways

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• “WOO! It punched me in the face and woke me up!” – me trying fire cider for the first time

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• “A spruced-up Chili’s” – my father about going to Bobby McGee’s restaurant for my mother’s 25th bday

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• “I know the floor taste like ranch powder, but stop licking the floor!” – a bestie to her dog, Leko

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• “I almost got caught cheating” – a coworker when we ran into each other in the bathroom. I had no knowledge of ANYTHING beforehand

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• “This chair comes with a toy!” – beaner when we switched chairs at dinner, shaking my pill box like a maraca

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• “I’m so full. I can only have my shake” – a 4-year-old 🥰

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• “You used to like my mumbling… you said it was sexy” – father to mother. She almost peed laughing.

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• “He just Rembrandts your pussy”
• No! I have no more context!

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• “I don’t know how I found this song, I don’t know how you found this song, but this song found us!” – me to three other queers in the car when we all started singing along to Cult of Dionysus by The Orion Experience

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• “BELL-AH” – my friends in an Italian accent while watching Twilight
• We also played a drinking game and one of them was drunk in 20 minutes

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• “You leave her the fuck alone” – me to two teenage boys trying to flirt with my cousin in Vegas 👹
• “We thought we had to worry about you!” – the group to someone else in the party
• I was 22 and feeling like a fight 😅

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• “I’m fully cooked bitch!” – me on my 25th birthday to my brother, even in front of my mother!!

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• “26 looks good on you!” – my mom when I showed up to brunch in my ridiculously hot orange dress

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• “Why do you have a knife?” – someone with wayyy more seniority than me
• “BITCH I’M LITTLE!” – me to a SENIOR OFFICER in the office, so I IMMEDIATELY covered mouth and apologized and she said “No I loved it!”
• I had pulled out my switch blade to breakdown boxes at the end of a conference 🙃

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• “Stockton? More like STOP-ton.” – beaner in traffic

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• “It smells like Jesus.” – about my frankincense and myrrh lotion

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• “My socks were crispy!” – bestie about wearing the same clothes for 36 hours in Ireland because their luggage got lost ;-;

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• “I heard some snap crackle poppin in my rice crispy treat joint” – the same bestie about spraining her ankle ;-;

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• “Is it ridiculous? Yes. Is it hot? Yes. Then I want it.” – me and the aesthetic I aspire to

THANK YOU for reading! I hope you were SO cracking up!

If you want some cheap retail therapy to go along with it, please check out my stickers.

Abrazos and/or high fives,

Ariana

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